i can’t help but feel like when these days come up
it’s just proof that i’m never gonna get there
i’m never going to manage my pain well enough to have the life i pictured
and jesus fucking christ
that may hurt more than the pain
lately my memory has been declining so quickly it’s honestly making me nervous. spoonies what do you do? i can’t keep up with myself and it’s freaking me out
I’m officially on the hunt for the last three issues of volume 2 of Young Avengers: The Children’s Crusade because I’m cool
where do i get these
my dog is very very sick. my family is very very upset. this may be it for him, we’re really just talking logistics now. it’s like the decision has already been made. i’m basically crying all the time. ugh.
shout out to the kids with absent fathers
shout out to the daughters of abusive fathers
shout out to the sons of negligent dads
shout out to the adult children who are still recovering from the heavy hands of their dads
don’t let anyone guilt you for how you treat this day
not every parent deserves a day celebration
some parents just deserve a day of reckoning
In the last few weeks I overestimated my spoons and I’m paying the price with flakiness.
I’m addressing complaints to John Green. I’m definitely not saying that he’s close to blameless. His choices are entirely his fault, he’s responsible for every choice he makes. He’s a grown ass man.
I’m addressing the fact that it’s inappropriate to claim he’s a sex offender, because that’s not funny.
I’m addressing the fact that although I don’t like him as a person, his contribution to society isn’t a million percent negative. Getting people excited about reading is worth something.
I think that one of the problems of the “John Green Tumblr Fight” is how totally offensive both sides are. Nobody is really listening, we just scan and if they vaguely align with our opinions and we reblog and if they vaguely disagree we write them off as idiots.
There’s a lot more to it. So I’m acknowledging that he’s not the WORST HUMAN TO LIVE and making it clear that he is NOT THE BEST HUMAN TO LIVE. I’m so frustrated by seeing one thing or the other.
He’s a privileged white cis straight guy. That doesn’t automatically make you a bad guy, though the likelihood increases… I compare him to my favorite cis white straight guy, Chris Hayes.
I’m going to compare and contrast to show what John Green could and doesn’t do.
Chris Hayes has a show on MSNBC. He talks about a lot of issues where he has no agency as a white cis straight guy.
John Green has a huge internet following. He talks about a lot of issues where he has no agency as a white cis straight guy.
Both of these men worked to get where they are. But they also worked in a society that is more likely to reward white cis straight men than anyone else.
Now, when Chris Hayes tackles a topic where he has no agency he invites other guests on his show. Guests who have agency. His show has been ranked as the most diverse of cable television. So Chris Hayes largely uses his privilege to raise voices of those without privilege.
When John Green tackles topics where he has no agency, he does not have other people on vlogbrothers tackle those topics. He does not demand disabled actors or deny the movie deal. Would that have been a sacrifice? Probably. But he could have done it. It’s his freaking story. John Green raises voices of Rainbow Freaking Rowell, her book’s flat out racist. He raises voices of Shailene Woodley, and while I enjoy her performances she’s a danger to women in her total disregard and misunderstanding of feminism. And his book raises voices of not a single person of color.
I realize the book wasn’t about race but if your default is white THERE’S RACISM IN THAT DEFAULT. There’s no fucking default skin color. Books don’t have to be about race to have PoC. If you think that’s the case, do some serious freaking soul searching.
Another issue is that John Green seems to confuse his personal achievement with a political achievement? It’s weird, frustrating and insulting for him to think of his successful book as some kind of social change maker? I’m not saying that it’s bad that people relate to his books. I’m saying that his book is not actually a first of anything. It’s sick lit. It’s chick lit. It is a cancer book. A cancer book that resonates? Yes, clearly. But it is not some groundbreaking change the way people see Persons with Disabilities book. Here’s something I’m not blaming him for–being proud of his book. I am blaming him for acting like his book is the champion of sick people.
I KNOW SICK PEOPLE HAVE BEEN TOUCHED BY JOHN GREEN AND THIS BOOK. But it’s weird that a healthy able bodied guy is claiming to be the champion of sick people.
I’m not against all John Green represents. I’m not against reading. But I don’t like John Green as a person. He creeps me out. His ego is inflated. In his New Yorker profile, his high school classmates say he wasn’t a nerd at all. He smoked and was a bit of a ladies man. But he claims he was a nerd who wasn’t smart, shit like that. He seems a bit smarmy, like if success hadn’t found him he’d have turned out to be one of those men bitching about the friendzone.
I’m not against all John Green fans. Because I was one. Until I read more and more of his stuff, and then the smarminess became more apparent to me. But I think they need to understand that it’s okay to not like John Green. It’s actually totally valid to complain about the way he approaches things and the way he describes himself.
I AM against those who reblog the sex offender post about masturbation. It’s my feeling that most of these rebloggers would NEVER accept such an inappropriate “joke” about anyone else. You just can’t equate assholes with sex offenders, it’s not the same thing. It makes those who don’t like John Green seem like assholes instead of people with valid opinions. And it’s as smarmy as John Green himself.
I know these John Green posts are long winded, the other one is here. If I’m not clear ask again and I’ll try again.
i’m embarrassed and angry and tired
i’m embarrassed because my body can’t do shit
i’m angry because my body can’t do shit
i’m tired because my body can’t do shit
fuck this so hard
my mom left last night to visit my grandmother as an emergency because she’s sick
and it’s my job to hold down the fort
and i had to cover for her job
so i watched the 3 boys i usually watch from 6:30-8:30 am from 6:30 am to 4:30 pm
and my body is dying i really just can’t stop crying every time i cry from laughter the tears keep fallling because i’m dying
and my grandmother is sick
and my dog is sick
and THEN i had to wake up at 5:00 am just so i could walk my dog before work and do my sister’s dishes and empty the trash and unload the dishwasher
like the amount of spoons spent there alone
and my sister is of fucking age
she can do this shit but she doesn’t
instead sshe leaves spaghetti-dirtied dishes in the sink and on the stove for me to clean up the next morning
at work watching 3 boys the power went off
and i had to make friends with a circuit breaker IT DIDN’T WORK OUT
and it was so hot
and their dog threw up so i got to clean that shit up
and the house is under construction and they shut the water off without giving me a heads up
because you know whatever
and i left work angry at myself for showing my temper but my body can’t handle that day
and i left work upset that this is a reminder that i may never be healthier than i am now and even today i’m not healthy enough to care for children of my own
so emotions runnin high
i get home from work
my sister didn’t go to the grocery
my able bodied sis
and she’s waiting for me to kill this huge ass beetle
and i have to be honest it was huge
iwasfreaked and she kept screaming every time i almost got it on the dust pan
but we got it out
and then i had to walk my dog after almost dying from a long day
and i asked her if she would walk our dog the last of the night and she said yes
but then she’s scared of our creeper neighbors and scared of the storm so i had to walk him again
AND clean his piss off the carpet
AND load the dishwasher clear the sink change the toilet paper
FUCKING EVERYTHING like between my mom and i this house runs but just me and it’s killer
and now i’m lying here too angry and embarassed to sleep
and there’s too much hurt
and i’m so worked up
my boyfriend came over and helped but that’s just adding to the embarrassment because i seemed so irrational and impetulant but really i’m just hurting
SOO MAD THO
debating blowing off family last minute and trying to go
but i’m also not confident that i’m healthy enough to spontaneously go into the city and be alone and marching though. i’ve been having a lot of dizziness problems and breathing issues and so i probably shouldn’t do it but gahhhhgahhhhgahhhh
Let me just say a thing.
Let me go further.
Things I’m confused about:
Things I’m not confused about:
tw eating disorders
brief heads up, i’ve relapsed. i have a separate ED tumblr now because i don’t want to trigger anyone here but i’m having a very hard time keeping the blogs separate. i’ll try my best! i will also always put trigger warnings in the tags and at the top of the post. if there’s anything else you’d like me to be cautious about please just let me know! i don’t know if i’ll share my other url here for the time being. sorry for any triggers and please help me make this tumblr a safe place for everyone, let me know if there’s anything else i should be doing!
It’s been a couple weeks since I’ve walked for exercise because I’ve been overspending my spoons lately, but I’m gonna try to walk again. I’m aiming for 2 miles, even though I had worked up to 4. I don’t know, I’m pretty nervous, But I’m gonna do it. So wish me luck!
Also this because I’m the worst. But I am also the best crown maker EVER
i’m youtube stalking myself and most of it’s cringe worthy but at the same time if bad song writing is my biggest stain i can live with it. so i don’t think i’ll delete it all