i have my first session of therapy tonight in the middle of #NMOS

and i’m working a full day the day of the march for eric garner

but i’m just reeling and angry and i have to find something i can fuckking do 

1 week ago
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On whiteness, Privilege, And Ending It

It’s up to white people to end racism. We’re benefitting from racism. Perpetrating racism. So it’s up to us, as much as that horrifies me, to bring racism to a halt.

If you’re white, you need to think about it. You need to talk about it. We can’t continue to ignore our own whiteness.

Of course I never owned slaves. I wasn’t part of the Jim Crowe era. I didn’t do any of that. Thinking like this makes it easy to ignore your own whiteness and play the colorblind card. But anyone who is white benefits from these histories, willing or not. Colorblindness is worth nothing when racism continues to shape our world.

Every time something like this happens, there’s conversation about a “conversation about race.” Maybe we don’t need to be talking about other races, we need to start taking responsibility for our own.

1 week ago
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so last week i called a counselor that i saw back in my high school days, and basically left a rambling message saying i’m looking to go back to therapy and thought maybe he could give me some guidance

and i’m meeting with him in a few hours to talk about this i guess

and i’m honestly scared shitless

it’s been years since i’ve been in therapy

with the exception of my one experience since when they wanted to medicate me

tw issues below

Read More

1 week ago
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I haven’t talked too much about my ptsd to my SO but I explained my main problems now that it’s acting up, that I have flashbacks and nightmares that make it hard to sleep. I don’t know how much of it he understands, but he held me in his arms and sang me to sleep. So if that’s not everlasting love assume I no longer it because what I have here is absolutely fucking perfect

1 week ago
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i feel so sick that i can’t feel anything else. i feel like i could throw up or pass out. my back hurts so badly it’s making it hard to breathe. my legs feel like jello. my fatigue is so strong even talking or typing feels like a nuisance. i feel so sick. so so sick. jesus christ i want to die i feel so sick

2 weeks ago
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VACAY=LOW POSTS

sorry for the low posts lately! i’m visiting family in illinois and don’t have toooo much access to cell service or wifi, at least not consistently. i’ll be back to my normal activity in a couple of weeks :)

1 month ago
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Lobster and blueberries. Not bad Maine

1 month ago
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meals from the campgrounds (menu breakdowns in captions)

1 month ago
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i’m oversharing my last post like crazy but those words are worth nothing if they’re not read. i feel like i’m just screaming WHITE PEOPLE READ THIS. they read it. like it. and then don’t share it, and i fear stop talking about it or thinking about it which defeats the entire purpose. 

come on. help me out, read it and share it. we have to be responsible for our own whiteness.

1 week ago
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We need “Don’t Shoot” marches in every city. The numbers that Trayvon Martin’s case brought, we need to come back stronger. 

I’m so fucking mad. I don’t know where to go with this anger and what needs to happen for this to stop. I want to feel like I’m doing something. 

Anyone who says racism is dead should choke on their words. Anyone who doubts the reality of white privilege should suffer the same. Fuck this shit. Fucking STL

1 week ago
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Adoption Thoughts: Pets vs. People

I’m not trying to question love for pets. But honestly, it’s weird.

It’s weird to me how when you type the word “adopt” in the search bar of tumblr, it’s all pets all the time. It’s weird to me that “adopting” a pet makes it part of your family. It’s weird as fuck. Really.

Adoption is a huge part of my life. It’s me. It’s who I am. It made my family.

I love my dog, but the truth is the word adoption doesn’t mean a fucking thing to my dog. It’s not a part of his identity. We never had to sit him down and explain what adoption was. Stranger dogs at the dog park didn’t give him shit about being adopted as he was growing up. My dog does not think about his biological parents on mother’s day, father’s day, and certainly not on his so called “adoption” day.

Adoption is a thing. A thing I don’t think pets can fully experience.

And it’s gross, really. Because if adopted children are forced to share this vocabulary with pets, what else is shared? I see the bumper stickers that say “who rescued who?” on the shape of a paw print. Is adoption a form of rescue? Are adoptive parents heroes? Saviors?

No, that’s bullshit. Children don’t owe the world shit. Children are born to no fault of their own. The world owes children parents. 

I keep looking over this and worrying that I’m being oversensitive, and I can’t figure it out. 

I do think one of the main things that bothers me is the overlap of adoption and rescue, I think that overlap is just short of dangerous for kids who are growing up and trying to understand what adoption means to them.

But adoption for humans is also all sorts of complex. We’re battling for our medical information and rights to know our past, shit that is just way beyond what family pets need. Adoption can deal with racial issues, class issues, shit adoption touches just about everything and I guess I feel like there isn’t room for pets in a room full of serious issues and questions that have yet to be answered.

I don’t know. This is, in reality, not a battle worth waging. It won’t change, and I can get over it. But sometimes I want to burn the “Who Rescued Who?” bumper stickers in a fire along with the “Adopt-A-Highway” signs.

1 week ago
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just assume that i’m so tired it’s making me nauseous

and that my back hurts so badly that it’s making it hard to breathe

just assume these things

because that’s how that’s working out

2 weeks ago
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i’m all fucked up in my mind

and so is the rest of my family

so when i’m not caught up in being fucked up i’m caught up in guilt and worry over the people i care about

but ya know i’m fucked up enough to stay busy

so

shit

1 month ago
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then pictures of me and my love because i’m attacking my tumblr with a vengeance

1 month ago
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i didn’t want to leave

i didn’t want to leave

1 month ago
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