i can’t help but feel like when these days come up

it’s just proof that i’m never gonna get there

i’m never going to manage my pain well enough to have the life i pictured

and jesus fucking christ

that may hurt more than the pain

2 weeks ago
1 note

lately my memory has been declining so quickly it’s honestly making me nervous. spoonies what do you do? i can’t keep up with myself and it’s freaking me out

3 weeks ago
0 notes

I’m officially on the hunt for the last three issues of volume 2 of Young Avengers: The Children’s Crusade because I’m cool

but really

where do i get these

3 weeks ago
0 notes

my dog is very very sick. my family is very very upset. this may be it for him, we’re really just talking logistics now. it’s like the decision has already been made. i’m basically crying all the time. ugh.

3 weeks ago
1 note

tw eating disorders

Relapse time…

1 month ago
0 notes

shout out to the kids with absent fathers

shout out to the daughters of abusive fathers

shout out to the sons of negligent dads

shout out to the adult children who are still recovering from the heavy hands of their dads

don’t let anyone guilt you for how you treat this day

not every parent deserves a day celebration

some parents just deserve a day of reckoning

1 month ago
91 notes
Mary Caroline: Chronic Canceling

In the last few weeks I overestimated my spoons and I’m paying the price with flakiness.

1 month ago
0 notes
I’m addressing complaints to John Green. I’m definitely not saying that he’s close to blameless. His choices are entirely his fault, he’s responsible for every choice he makes. He’s a grown ass man.
I’m addressing the fact that it’s inappropriate to claim he’s a sex offender, because that’s not funny. 
I’m addressing the fact that although I don’t like him as a person, his contribution to society isn’t a million percent negative. Getting people excited about reading is worth something. 
I think that one of the problems of the “John Green Tumblr Fight” is how totally offensive both sides are. Nobody is really listening, we just scan and if they vaguely align with our opinions and we reblog and if they vaguely disagree we write them off as idiots.

There’s a lot more to it. So I’m acknowledging that he’s not the WORST HUMAN TO LIVE and making it clear that he is NOT THE BEST HUMAN TO LIVE. I’m so frustrated by seeing one thing or the other.

He’s a privileged white cis straight guy. That doesn’t automatically make you a bad guy, though the likelihood increases… I compare him to my favorite cis white straight guy, Chris Hayes.
I’m going to compare and contrast to show what John Green could and doesn’t do.

Chris Hayes has a show on MSNBC. He talks about a lot of issues where he has no agency as a white cis straight guy.
John Green has a huge internet following. He talks about a lot of issues where he has no agency as a white cis straight guy.
Both of these men worked to get where they are. But they also worked in a society that is more likely to reward white cis straight men than anyone else. 
Now, when Chris Hayes tackles a topic where he has no agency he invites other guests on his show. Guests who have agency. His show has been ranked as the most diverse of cable television. So Chris Hayes largely uses his privilege to raise voices of those without privilege.

When John Green tackles topics where he has no agency, he does not have other people on vlogbrothers tackle those topics. He does not demand disabled actors or deny the movie deal. Would that have been a sacrifice? Probably. But he could have done it. It’s his freaking story. John Green raises voices of Rainbow Freaking Rowell, her book’s flat out racist. He raises voices of Shailene Woodley, and while I enjoy her performances she’s a danger to women in her total disregard and misunderstanding of feminism. And his book raises voices of not a single person of color.

I realize the book wasn’t about race but if your default is white THERE’S RACISM IN THAT DEFAULT. There’s no fucking default skin color. Books don’t have to be about race to have PoC. If you think that’s the case, do some serious freaking soul searching.

Another issue is that John Green seems to confuse his personal achievement with a political achievement? It’s weird, frustrating and insulting for him to think of his successful book as some kind of social change maker? I’m not saying that it’s bad that people relate to his books. I’m saying that his book is not actually a first of anything. It’s sick lit. It’s chick lit. It is a cancer book. A cancer book that resonates? Yes, clearly. But it is not some groundbreaking change the way people see Persons with Disabilities book. Here’s something I’m not blaming him for–being proud of his book. I am blaming him for acting like his book is the champion of sick people.
I KNOW SICK PEOPLE HAVE BEEN TOUCHED BY JOHN GREEN AND THIS BOOK. But it’s weird that a healthy able bodied guy is claiming to be the champion of sick people.

I’m not against all John Green represents. I’m not against reading. But I don’t like John Green as a person. He creeps me out. His ego is inflated. In his New Yorker profile, his high school classmates say he wasn’t a nerd at all. He smoked and was a bit of a ladies man. But he claims he was a nerd who wasn’t smart, shit like that. He seems a bit smarmy, like if success hadn’t found him he’d have turned out to be one of those men bitching about the friendzone. 
I’m not against all John Green fans. Because I was one. Until I read more and more of his stuff, and then the smarminess became more apparent to me. But  I think they need to understand that it’s okay to not like John Green. It’s actually totally valid to complain about the way he approaches things and the way he describes himself. 

I AM against those who reblog the sex offender post about masturbation. It’s my feeling that most of these rebloggers would NEVER accept such an inappropriate “joke” about anyone else. You just can’t equate assholes with sex offenders, it’s not the same thing. It makes those who don’t like John Green seem like assholes instead of people with valid opinions. And it’s as smarmy as John Green himself.

I know these John Green posts are long winded, the other one is here. If I’m not clear ask again and I’ll try again.

I’m addressing complaints to John Green. I’m definitely not saying that he’s close to blameless. His choices are entirely his fault, he’s responsible for every choice he makes. He’s a grown ass man.

I’m addressing the fact that it’s inappropriate to claim he’s a sex offender, because that’s not funny. 

I’m addressing the fact that although I don’t like him as a person, his contribution to society isn’t a million percent negative. Getting people excited about reading is worth something. 

I think that one of the problems of the “John Green Tumblr Fight” is how totally offensive both sides are. Nobody is really listening, we just scan and if they vaguely align with our opinions and we reblog and if they vaguely disagree we write them off as idiots.

There’s a lot more to it. So I’m acknowledging that he’s not the WORST HUMAN TO LIVE and making it clear that he is NOT THE BEST HUMAN TO LIVE. I’m so frustrated by seeing one thing or the other.

He’s a privileged white cis straight guy. That doesn’t automatically make you a bad guy, though the likelihood increases… I compare him to my favorite cis white straight guy, Chris Hayes.

I’m going to compare and contrast to show what John Green could and doesn’t do.

Chris Hayes has a show on MSNBC. He talks about a lot of issues where he has no agency as a white cis straight guy.

John Green has a huge internet following. He talks about a lot of issues where he has no agency as a white cis straight guy.

Both of these men worked to get where they are. But they also worked in a society that is more likely to reward white cis straight men than anyone else. 

Now, when Chris Hayes tackles a topic where he has no agency he invites other guests on his show. Guests who have agency. His show has been ranked as the most diverse of cable television. So Chris Hayes largely uses his privilege to raise voices of those without privilege.

When John Green tackles topics where he has no agency, he does not have other people on vlogbrothers tackle those topics. He does not demand disabled actors or deny the movie deal. Would that have been a sacrifice? Probably. But he could have done it. It’s his freaking story. John Green raises voices of Rainbow Freaking Rowell, her book’s flat out racist. He raises voices of Shailene Woodley, and while I enjoy her performances she’s a danger to women in her total disregard and misunderstanding of feminism. And his book raises voices of not a single person of color.

I realize the book wasn’t about race but if your default is white THERE’S RACISM IN THAT DEFAULT. There’s no fucking default skin color. Books don’t have to be about race to have PoC. If you think that’s the case, do some serious freaking soul searching.

Another issue is that John Green seems to confuse his personal achievement with a political achievement? It’s weird, frustrating and insulting for him to think of his successful book as some kind of social change maker? I’m not saying that it’s bad that people relate to his books. I’m saying that his book is not actually a first of anything. It’s sick lit. It’s chick lit. It is a cancer book. A cancer book that resonates? Yes, clearly. But it is not some groundbreaking change the way people see Persons with Disabilities book. Here’s something I’m not blaming him for–being proud of his book. I am blaming him for acting like his book is the champion of sick people.

I KNOW SICK PEOPLE HAVE BEEN TOUCHED BY JOHN GREEN AND THIS BOOK. But it’s weird that a healthy able bodied guy is claiming to be the champion of sick people.

I’m not against all John Green represents. I’m not against reading. But I don’t like John Green as a person. He creeps me out. His ego is inflated. In his New Yorker profile, his high school classmates say he wasn’t a nerd at all. He smoked and was a bit of a ladies man. But he claims he was a nerd who wasn’t smart, shit like that. He seems a bit smarmy, like if success hadn’t found him he’d have turned out to be one of those men bitching about the friendzone. 

I’m not against all John Green fans. Because I was one. Until I read more and more of his stuff, and then the smarminess became more apparent to me. But  I think they need to understand that it’s okay to not like John Green. It’s actually totally valid to complain about the way he approaches things and the way he describes himself. 

I AM against those who reblog the sex offender post about masturbation. It’s my feeling that most of these rebloggers would NEVER accept such an inappropriate “joke” about anyone else. You just can’t equate assholes with sex offenders, it’s not the same thing. It makes those who don’t like John Green seem like assholes instead of people with valid opinions. And it’s as smarmy as John Green himself.

I know these John Green posts are long winded, the other one is here. If I’m not clear ask again and I’ll try again.

1 month ago
4 notes

i’m embarrassed and angry and tired

i’m embarrassed because my body can’t do shit

i’m angry because my body can’t do shit

i’m tired because my body can’t do shit

fuck this so hard

my mom left last night to visit my grandmother as an emergency because she’s sick

and it’s my job to hold down the fort

and i had to cover for her job

so i watched the 3 boys i usually watch from 6:30-8:30 am from 6:30 am to 4:30 pm

and my body is dying i really just can’t stop crying every time i cry from laughter the tears keep fallling because i’m dying

and my grandmother is sick

and my dog is sick

and THEN i had to wake up at 5:00 am just so i could walk my dog before work and do my sister’s dishes and empty the trash and unload the dishwasher

like the amount of spoons spent there alone 

and my sister is of fucking age

she can do this shit but she doesn’t

instead sshe leaves spaghetti-dirtied dishes in the sink and on the stove for me to clean up the next morning

at work watching 3 boys the power went off

and i had to make friends with a circuit  breaker IT DIDN’T WORK OUT

and it was so hot

and their dog threw up so i got to clean that shit up

and the house is under construction and they shut the water off without giving me a heads up

because you know whatever

and i left work angry at myself for showing my temper but my body can’t handle that day

and i left work upset that this is a reminder that i may never be healthier than i am now and even today i’m not healthy enough to care for children of my own

so emotions runnin high

i get home from work

my sister didn’t go to the grocery

my able bodied sis

and she’s waiting for me to kill this huge ass beetle 

and i have to be honest it was huge

iwasfreaked and she kept screaming every time i almost got it on the dust pan

but we got it out

and then i had to walk my dog after almost dying from a long day

and i asked her if she would walk our dog the last of the night and she said yes

but then she’s scared of our creeper neighbors and scared of the storm so i had to walk him again

AND clean his piss off the carpet

AND load the dishwasher clear the sink change the toilet paper

FUCKING EVERYTHING like between my mom and i this house runs but just me and it’s killer

and now i’m lying here too angry and embarassed to sleep

and there’s too much hurt

and i’m so worked up

my boyfriend came over and helped but that’s just adding to the embarrassment because i seemed so irrational and impetulant but really i’m just hurting

2 weeks ago
0 notes

SOO MAD THO

debating blowing off family last minute and trying to go

but i’m also not confident that i’m healthy enough to spontaneously go into the city and be alone and marching though. i’ve been having a lot of dizziness problems and breathing issues and so i probably shouldn’t do it but gahhhhgahhhhgahhhh

3 weeks ago
0 notes

Let me just say a thing.

Bisexuality≠Confusion

Let me go further.

Things I’m confused about:

  • Why the longest day is the beginning of summer and not the middle.
  • The ocean. That shit is crazy.
  • Dreams. Do they mean a fucking thing or?
  • My professional life or lack thereof. What do I DO?
  • Why do we leak when we’re emotional? That’s fucking weird. I don’t get it.

Things I’m not confused about:

  • My sexuality.
3 weeks ago
5 notes

tw eating disorders

brief heads up, i’ve relapsed. i have a separate ED tumblr now because i don’t want to trigger anyone here but i’m having a very hard time keeping the blogs separate. i’ll try my best! i will also always put trigger warnings in the tags and at the top of the post. if there’s anything else you’d like me to be cautious about please just let me know! i don’t know if i’ll share my other url here for the time being. sorry for any triggers and please help me make this tumblr a safe place for everyone, let me know if there’s anything else i should be doing!

1 month ago
0 notes

It’s been a couple weeks since I’ve walked for exercise because I’ve been overspending my spoons lately, but I’m gonna try to walk again. I’m aiming for 2 miles, even though I had worked up to 4. I don’t know, I’m pretty nervous, But I’m gonna do it. So wish me luck!

1 month ago
3 notes

Also this because I’m the worst. But I am also the best crown maker EVER

1 month ago
0 notes

i’m youtube stalking myself and most of it’s cringe worthy but at the same time if bad song writing is my biggest stain i can live with it. so i don’t think i’ll delete it all

1 month ago
0 notes