|me:||hey i have spoons to spend today! i finally don't feel just absolutely terrible|
|me:||spends the fucking kitchen|
|Me:||Get your hands out of your nose|
|Me:||Get your hands out of your mouth|
|Me:||Get your hands out of your pants|
my SO is here and though it makes me feel selfish for skipping class i deserve to be around my SO when i feel terrible so i’m going to turn off the guilt or i’ll be damned
i can’t go to class tonight. i can barely stay fully aware right now. but i’m so upset. i feel so sick, i’m so tired. i wish my SO would come over tonight. god i feel sick. I might fail this class at this point, I’ve missed it so often.
Anonymous asked: TRIGGER WARNING: I know you don't want to hear it, but the dizziness, nausea and tiredness might be from your relapse. I know I got SO much worse when I started restricting again and that it didn't help my other chronic illness symptoms. I did manage to get my doctor to prescribe anti-nausea meds, which might help with your nausea and when your body just starts to throw up without permission, it did for me.
No it’s occurred to me. I actually ate pretty “normally” this weekend since I had family visiting so I don’t know if that’s causing my particularly rough day. But I know it’s probably making my health a lot worse, and my body has been throwing up w/o my permission. Did you recover or are you still restricting? I just wonder if eating normal a couple of days isn’t enough to get my body back to it’s normal chronically ill self.
Thanks anon, it’s nice to hear from someone in such a similar situation..
I feel terrible. I’m so dizzy and nauseous. It feels like all of my energy was drained and now I’m still spinning in the drain.
I’m so tired of feeling bad and I have a class tonight that I keep missing. But lord I feel so terrible and every inch of me hurts more than usual. Ugh.
so i had a really terrible doctors appointment while a was away from tumblr, i don’t think i explained it
my blood work came back and indicated that my lupus is pretty well controlled right now. my organs are safe. WOOT. but then my rheumatologist basically told me the pain was in my head. i stood up for myself for the first time in a doctor’s office and explained that i limp at the end of most days, my physical therapist who that same doctor prescribed suggested the cane, and my pain limits my daily functioning.
he told me i probably shouldn’t be using a cane, that if i’m limping it’s not because i physically need to and there’s no reason i shouldn’t be jogging. “you’re a young lady, you should be exercising. i mean, you can continue physical therapy if you think it helps but you’re a young lady.”
he told me explicitly: you won’t become disabled
goddammit if i’m not already. thank GOD my physical therapist is an empathetic compassionate human who told me my dr. is ridiculous for these things. but i’ve never been more invalidated in my life.
and now the circle of blame and self loathing is so much more active. i constantly wonder how much of this illness i’m “faking.”
bad doctors can ruin everything. and i need a different physician if i want to apply for disability. which costs money i don’t have. maybe i should just get better. since it’s all in my head (ALSO EVEN IF IT WAS IN MY HEAD IT’S STILL DEBILITATING BUT IT’S NOT DAMMIT ALL TO HELL)
sorry i’m in a ranting illness mood.
going to class tonight and i’m going to figure out if i need to drop and retake
but it is so frustrating that my professor won’t communicate through email. i’m so anxious. so. yeah. ugh.
I’m a spoonie who can’t work full time and I need all the help I can get. Plus my gifts are pretty cute and hand-stitched, entirely one of a kind. So win/win? Win/win.
my mom seems to think if i get up and move around i’ll feel better
my legs feel like they’re on fire. it feels like someone is rolling my feet flat. my hips feel like they’re coming apart. every time i sit up most of my vision is spots.
but i feel like this because i’ve been in bed all night. yeah.
i’m so fucking done.
my mom doesn’t think my SO should come over if i’m not going to class. but like, being sick and alone doesn’t make me able to go to class being sick and with my SO does make me feel a little better. i’m not moving either way, i’m not magically able to feel better either way. i don’t know. gah.
I’ve only been in relapse for a few weeks, god I hope it doesn’t take that long. Fully recovering would probably help though. Meh.
I have had it checked and I’m good! But I actually take a supplement every day just in case. Thanks for the idea though!
my boyfriend is the best because once he said “i’m sorry we used your leg points.”
i hadn’t explained the spoon theory to him yet, he just could tell that that was how i calculated my energy and what i could do in a day. leg points. adorable.
i mean he’s the best for a lot of reasons but this was months ago and it still stands out to me just because he understands me so well